This time last year, I did zero preparation for the new year. I didn’t have any clear goals, no intentions, no guidelines, or any idea of what I wanted to accomplish in 2018. I didn’t even make a vision board, which is something that I usually do every year. Because of my lack of intention, I floated through this whole year. I lived through 2018 completely on autopilot.
This year taught me that living without intention or purpose, is the worst thing you could do to yourself.
Google’s dictionary defines purpose as “the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists.” I didn’t have a purpose for anything that I did this year. I was mindlessly creating. Mindlessly attending. And mindlessly living. I didn’t have a reason for why I was doing anything and at times, I felt like there was no reason for me to even exist. I hit rock bottom. I burnt myself out because I kept saying yes to opportunities without a reason. Without purpose. I was mindlessly buying. Mindlessly consuming. Consuming without a reason. Without purpose.
I was living without purpose and without intention. I was just…existing.
Well…saying that I was creating without a purpose is little dishonest. I was creating with a purpose. A purpose to satisfy an algorithm. I was creating to increase numbers. I was creating for metrics. I was creating for a robot instead of creating for human beings. I wasn’t even creating for myself. I felt so disconnected from reality that there were times where I didn’t leave my house for an entire week. How could I go out and enjoy the world, when I have videos to film, edit, and upload? How could I try to do self care when I have to upload two videos a week or else my numbers drop?! Self care isn’t productive!!!!!!
The biggest thing I learned this year is that purpose is necessary for everything that you do. The second biggest thing I learned this year is that self-care is extremely important and should be non-negotiable. Despite what this hustle-rise-and-grind culture has told us, refusing to address self-care or take breaks actually makes you less productive. And if you refuse to address it for as long as I have, you hit rock bottom. You become very irritable. Very defensive. Mental breakdowns become a multiple-times-per-week thing. You become a person that not even you want to be around. But somehow I made myself feel guilty for feeling this way. I am making more money than I ever have. I have a roof over my head, that I am providing for myself entirely. But why am I still sad? Why can’t I get out of bed in the morning? Why is it so hard to be grateful for living?
My life started to turn around when I made the commitment to live with purpose and intention. When I made the commitment to actively participate in life. I made this change when I came back from the Philippines. I became so used to seeing subscribers as a number. Comments are just pixels on a screen. Sometimes it’s difficult to see real people behind avatars. When I went to the Philippines and had my first ever meet & greet, I met my subscribers in person. And they told me what an impact I and my videos have made in their lives. I cried. A lot. It reminded me of my purpose. It reminded me of why I did any of this in the first place.
This year’s keyword was purpose. I am going to remember this year for the rest of my life.
One thing that I’m doing differently from last year is that I’m preparing for 2019. I’ve already done many things to prepare for 2019. There’s no point in pitying yourself for things that already happened. Instead, learn from your mistakes and failures and make it a more positive experience. Preparing for the new year is one of the many things that I’m doing to ensure I don’t make the same mistakes. Next year, I’m simply going to do the best that I can. And that will be good enough.
Thank you, 2018 for everything you’ve taught me. I am grateful for all the lessons I’ve learned.
THANK U, NEXT BITCH!